How to be a HalfBlood
by Project Phoenix Agent 003
Summary: Ever wish you were a demigod? You know you'd just get killed right? Well, if you want to be a half-blood AND live, read this guide of survival. Learn by example as various demigods get beaten up for humor's sake.
1. Chapter 1

_**I was bored. I had a computer. Thus, this story was born. Review because you just love my energetic personality…seriously review.**_

Hi, I'm Project Phoenix Agent 003, but since that takes freaking forever to type, I'll go with my common alias Erin. Despite the warnings of various Percy Jackson and the Olympians characters, we all wish were demigods at some point. Well that is, if you're not some crazed Twilight fan who wants to be a vampire and date Edward (or Bella if you're a guy). Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, we all wish we were demigods sometimes. But do you think you could survive? Of course you do. Well the truth is you can't. Not without reading this guide anyway! We're going to go over the basics, advanced, and expert rules of surviving life as a half-blood. So as they say in Mario: LET'S A GO!

Rule #1: Every demigod needs a rival.

Connor was slammed into the wall repeatedly by Clarisse, who was seething with anger.

"OW! OW! OW!" was all he seemed capable of uttering. Travis might have helped, but he was busy being pulled by the ears by Katie Gardner. And of course, Percy and Luke were dueling to the death over who got the last slice of pizza.

Rule #2: When insulting a monster, it's best NOT to bring their mother into things.

"Yo mama's fat!" Percy shouted at the Chimera, just for kicks.

"Excuse me?" Enchinda hissed.

"Oh…crap."

Rule #3: Know when you've met you're match.

Nico raised his arms up proudly as the other half-bloods he'd been fighting hobbled off doubled over in pain.

"Who's next?" he asked confidently.

Thalia walked up to him, hand raised.

"You sure you wanna lose Pinecone Face?" Nico asked.

Within seconds Thalia had him in an agonizing arm bar. Nico yelped in pain, slapping the ground to signal a tap out.

Rule #4: Beware romance. The guys tend to be stupid, and the girls tend to be violent.

"So Percy, could you…come help me look for my laptop?" Annabeth winked. "I think I left it in my cabin. You know, the one that's completely empty of people right now?"

Percy was still reading his Game Informer magazine, not moving. "I'm sure it's on the self where you left it.

Annabeth huffed and shoved him out of his chair. He hit the ground hard with a cry, and when he tried to get up, Annabeth whacked him upside the head.

Rule #5: NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ask Rachel a question.

"Hey Rachel, do you know what their serving for breakfast in the dining pavilion?" a camper asked.

"_The little porker who trusted the man_

_Slaughtered and beaten to be turned into ham_

_The unborn chicken was roasted alive_

_To feed the youth and help them strive."_

"Um, I'll just order out."

Rule #6: Note: Monsters in mirror are uglier than they appear.

The five half-bloods cowered as Medusa approached. One of them held out their iPhone to view her reflection.

"That's Medusa?" the boy asked. "She's not that ugly, I think we can look at her."

"No don't!" his friend shouted, but it was too late. The boy turned to look at Medusa and turned to stone.

"Idiot."

Rule #7: Insult the satyr, pay the price.

"Hey!" the new camper shouted. "You're one of those…donkey things!"

The satyr promptly kicked the campers lights out.

Rule #8: Avoid attention, or you end up as an OOC OC in some person's fanfic.

"Ugh, they portrayed me all wrong. They even got my name wrong."

Her friend looked at her perplexed. "Then how do you know it's you?"

"I don't I just wish it was. I DESERVE SOME ATTENTION!"

Rule #9: Never lose your weapon, shield, or sense of direction.

"What are you so upset about?" she asked. "We've been in worse situations before."

"When?" he shouted. "A bunch of monsters are coming to kill us, we have no weapons, and I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be in RUSSIA!"

"I was wondering why Hawaii was so cold…"

"We're doomed."

Rule #10: Know how to make an entrance.

As the monsters closed in around Percy, the doors burst open to reveal Nico ready to fight. The monsters spun to face him, but a second later they were facing the sky as the roof exploded and Thalia glided in, riding the air.

Percy looked at Nico. "You're entrance was good…hers was better."

_**That's all for now. Come back later to view the next ten rules to being a demigod. Until then, I think I'll make a sandwich, prop up a chair, and stare at the wall. Good day to you sirs and ma'ams.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sup! This is harder to write than it looks just saying. Anyway, this edition of How to be a Half-Blood includes appearances by OC's from my story Jacob Jackson and the Sins of the Fathers. So, enjoy or I'll be forced to set all of your brooms of fire. **_

Hello any and all who consider themselves demigods! If anybody needs me, I'll be ignoring my own advice. Don't die!

Rule #11: When talking to gods, be sure not to do this…

"Since you're so respectful," Zeus began, "I don't see why you can't…"

He stopped and sniffed the air, and so did the other gods. The young son of Zeus stood with his own friends, really sorry he'd had that ambrosia. It always made him gassy.

"Alright, who cut one?" Apollo asked.

Rule #12: Or this…

"So your phone turns into a sword?" Hermes asked curiously.

"Yup," the demigod said. "Watch this."

The girl flipped open her phone, and it expanded into a sword. Unfortunately, she did it a little too close to Hermes, and the blade stabbed through his shoulder.

"Sorry Lord Hermes!" the girl, as she tried to yank the sword out of the god's shoulder.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Hermes shouted as ichor leaked from the wound. "Just stop!"

"Sorry…" the girl mumbled.

Rule #13: This however is perfectly acceptable…

"Your dad is an a**hole," Nico told Hades.

"Isn't he?" the god agreed.

Rule #14: Demigods ARE affected by gravity.

"C'mon," the twin said. "We're sons of Zeus for crying out loud! We'll just manipulate the wind and fly across!"

"Great idea!" his twin agreed. "You go first!"

"Guys…" the son of Athena tried to warn them. "You really sure you should–"

"Here I go!" the first twin yelled as he jumped off the skyscraper.

He plummeted all the way to the ground, landing on top of a car. He weakly gave his friends a thumbs up.

"I'm okay!"

His twin jumped, with the same results. He landed right on top of his brother.

"Less okay!"

Rule #15 Never talk to your sword out loud.

"Quiet you!" Jacob yelled at Miz.

"Excuse me?" Roxanne growled, thinking Jacob was talking to her.

_Hey Jake, did you and Alex ever…_

"Be quiet," Jacob ordered his weapon, "or so help me I will grind you into dust, set the dust on fire, and dance on the ashes!"

By this time, Roxanne was furious. "That's it prophecy boy, you're coming with me!"

Jacob noticed Roxanne for the first time as she dragged him away. "What did I do?"

Rule #16 Always tie your shoes before entering the forge.

The young little son of Hephaestus ran into the forge, his untied laces flopping around. His laces caught, and the boy flew into the fires of the forges and was instantly turned to ashes. The others looked only briefly to the fire before returning to their work.

Rule #17 Carry an umbrella when in the presence of a pegasus.

Two demigods were relaxing on the beach when a passing gull "went" mid air, and the white glop landed on the head of one of the two heroes in training.

"Nice…" the other commented.

At that moment, a pegasus flew over them, and also "went", dropping a chunk of unused substance onto the boy who'd been spared by the gull.

"Oh come on!"

Rule #18 Never try to drown a son of Poseidon; it won't work.

"You did what?" Annabeth asked Percy.

"Oh nothing," Percy laughed.

Annabeth glared, grabbed Percy by the back of the neck, and shoved him over the side of the boat and into the water.

"Drown!" she ordered. "Gods damn it why won't you drown!"

She pulled him up, and he was as dry as if he'd never entered the water. This only made Annabeth angrier, and she shoved him in again.

"Ugh! Get wet already!" she yelled as she shoved him under again and again, without success.

Rule #19 Falling off of Olympus…yeah try to avoid that.

Little Hephaestus was _still _falling. He'd stopped screaming in terror a full ten minutes ago, and he _still _couldn't see the ground.

"Could someone throw down a deck of cards or something?" the baby god asked as he fell. "Really, this is getting beyond boring. How long does it take to–"

Finally, he connected with the ground, landing on his leg and completely ruining it. He stood there for a few seconds, motionless and silent. Finally, after staring into space for thirty-seven minutes, he screamed:

"OOWWWWWW! OH F–"

Rule #20 Is it really a good idea to anger the Lord of the Sky?

"That wasn't so bad," the injured half-blood said once the battle was over. "And we didn't even need help from the gods. Take that Zeus!"

Lightning flash, striking the demigod and frying him crispier than a fish stick that had been in the oven for forty-eight hours. His friends stared at his charred body in an awkward silence, before slowly backing away from the scene.

Yeah, I didn't think so.


End file.
